Uchiha Jon: The Real Last Uchiha
by Ury Salunide
Summary: Jon is a mysterious Uchiha who joins Naruto's class just before the events of the original series. What is he hiding, what does he want, where does he come from, and what does he know? Find out while he struggles with affairs of the heart involving Hinata, Sakura, and Sasuke. Commitments are hard to make and can be harder to keep, especially for a secretive, rash young man.
1. The Mysterious Uchiha Jon

_(AN: I have been reading and writing for awhile, but this is my first story that I am posting. Please give me any advice, critiques, and likes!)_

"Class," Iruka said. "This is Uchiha Jon, the last of the Uchiha."

Sasuke jumped out of his seat. "The hell he is!"

Uchiha Jon sighed. "It is true. I am the true last Uchiha." Uchiha Jon wore very cool clothes. He had spiked armbands and a chain wallet (although, he didn't have any money; it is a tragic story that will be learned later). His hair was the deepest black of the Uchiha, and extremely spiky, but not ridiculously so.

Sasuke glared hard.

"I can see you don't believe," Jon said. His eyes gleamed, and Sasuke took his seat. The class was silent, and no one said another word on the matter.

"Well, please show him the utmost courtesy," Iruka said, but he wasn't so sure. He knew how these kids were.

Jon walked to the seat beside Sakura (he had always liked pink on girls), but there was another student already there. Jon's eyes gleamed, and the student quietly moved. Jon took his seat. "Sup," he said to Sakura. Sakura blushed.

"H-hi. Jon?" she said cutely.

"Yeah. That's me," Jon said. He noted Naruto was doing that thing at him where he was looking but maybe not cause he has the dumb fox eyes. Jon smirked a toothy grin, holding back a chuckle.

The class was boring. Jon may not have been as much of a genius as Sasuke, but he knew all this dumb crap. Clones? Really? Where he came from they were far outdated. A waste of chakra, except when doing recon. But in fights, which was the primary task of a ninja? Feh. They were always seen through, or died instantly. Waste of chakra.

After class, Uchiha Jon was stopped by Hinata. She was blushing. "H-hi," she said.

"Sup, cutey," replied Jon coolly. "Can I help you?" Hinata was twiddling her thumbs.

"I-I-I...I don...don't usually do this, b-but...you seem like you n-n-n..." she stammered.

Jon turned away. He knew what she was getting at, and the past hurt too much to think about. "I don't have time for this," he muttered, starting to walk away, but then stopped. "Sorry. I know you mean well, but..." he mumbled, turning to Hinata. "I'm sorry, who are you?" He knew the answer, but figured this was proper etiquette.

"H-Hinata," she replied. Her shy attitude was cute, but it was really eating up Jon's time.

"See ya later," he said, and walked away from her.

Later, Jon was walking down the streets of Konoha. It was dusk. "I know you're there," he said.

Sasuke stepped out of the shadows of a building. "I'll make this simple. Who are you _really_ , and what did you do to me earlier?" he asked.

"I'm Jon, as Iruka-sensai introduced me. Uchiha Jon."

"Yeah, that's the problem I'm having trouble with," Sasuke snapped back, but it sounded less venomous and more cool. Sasuke was very good at the brooding thing, Jon knew, but it wouldn't work on him. His life was worse. Jon sighed and brushed his bangs back.

"You don't want to know," Jon warned. Sasuke got up in his face.

" _I_ am the last Uchiha," Sasuke said darkly. "Explain. Now."

"You really think you can threaten me? Don't you understand?" Jon said rhetorically.

"Pfft." Sasuke was glaring at him. He looked so much like those that were only a memory now. It made Jon long for the past. No _._ He shook his head. He had shit to do.

Sasuke moved closer, and tried to kiss Jon! Jon didn't blame Sasuke, though. It was his curse as the last of the Uchiha. He only questioned why the girls hadn't made a stronger move sooner like Sasuke just did. Maybe Sasuke's dark personality made him more vulnerable, or maybe it was because he was a boy.

Sasuke's eyes went wide. "What the hell did you do to me?!" he yelled.

"Nothing, bro. Maybe you're just gay," Jon said.

Sasuke punched a wall, then ran away. He looked a little girly, and it made his ass look nice, but only in a platonic kind of way. Jon could appreciate beauty, no matter the form. Anyways, Jon felt bad for Sasuke, but his secrets needed to be kept. For now. Sakura came to his mind, and he thought, "maybe not completely." Hmm, Sakura...but that blond chick was good, too. And Hinata. Were there any other girls? Whatever. They'd do.

When he got home Kakashi was there. Without so much as a word, the jounin tried to sharingan him. "Just as I thought," Kakashi said. "Who are you?"

"Jon. Uchiha Jon," responded Jon. He was starting to get sick of his own name.

"Yes, but who are you _really_?" the copy ninja asked.

"I can't tell you that," Jon sighed. Kakashi's hand began to glow blue sparks. Jon laughed.

" _Grand_ Chidori," Jon said, and both his hands instantly sparked. The sparks met in the middle, forming a giant lightning ball. Kakashi's eyes widened. He put his chidori away, and covered the sharingan eye. Jon released his chakra, too.

"Alright. If the Third is okay with it, so am I. For now," Kakashi said, his voice shaking. He then strained to glare his eye, and disappeared.

"Dramatic bunch," Jon said.

The next day at school Jon took his seat next to Sakura. She was looking cute again, and so was Hinata. Ino, on second thought, was not so much. Jon didn't like that giant bang thing, but maybe he could convince her to get rid of it without using his powers. He wouldn't abuse his power. He meant to become Hokage someday, after all.

Class would be dull again, and Jon couldn't wait until graduation. This infiltration was taking way too long.

"Hey," he smiled to Sakura. She went red.

"H-hi," she said, then swallowed. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine," Jon replied. His eyes glanced over Sakura's body. "You, too?" Sakura was now as red as she could get. He didn't mean it that way, but he wanted her to _think_ he did, but he also did think she was cute, so he meant it, so in short his words were more than calculated. Sakura moved closer to him and Jon grinned.

After class Naruto blocked his path. "Hey, Jon. What's up?" he asked with that stupid face of his.

"Nothing much, Naruto," Jon responded.

"Are you into Sakura?" Naruto blurted out.

"Maybe. Why?" Jon asked. Naruto finally opened his eyes. He did not look happy.

"I don't know if I like you," he said stupidly. Jon felt bad for the squirrelly little orphan shit, but also didn't care about how he felt.

"Yeah? Well I don't really know you, either. What of it?" Jon said coolly.

"Just...you better not hurt her!" the fox boy shouted, then turned to walk away, scowling. He put his hands in his pocket and kicked a rock. The sight made Jon feel bad.

"I know you don't wipe your ass," he said. _(AN: I know it was only in a filler scene, but I have never been able to look at Naruto the same ever since!)_

Naruto stopped suddenly. Then he ran away. Jon laughed.

Finally, graduation day came. Jon graduated easily. Finally, his true mission could begin.

Jon's eyes gleamed, and he was placed in a group with Sakura and Hinata. He knew they weren't very strong, but he would make up for it, and subtly help Kurenai mold them into great ninja. Of course, he didn't really care about any of that, but he could be a nice guy, too.

"Hey, Hinata," Jon said. Sakura glared at Hinata, and Jon grinned. His inner Hokage was making out with all three of them, including Kurenai. _(AN: That's like his ego or id. I'm not really sure which it is, nor am I sure I understand the difference, but it's like Inner Sakura.)_

"H-hi," Hinata stammered.

Sakura was suddenly closer to him. Jon got the feeling that her body was moving against her will. She looked up at him, cheeks all red, and a timid smile pulled on her lips. She really looked cute, and Jon almost lost his cool. He had to fight the pull towards her. "Sup, Jon?" she asked with a giggle.

"Not much, babe," Jon said boldly. This made Hinata really sad, but she was far too timid to do anything about it, so she just turned away. On the other hand, Sakura smiled wildly. She kissed him on the cheek. Jon scowled, saying, "not so fast, babe." Really, he wanted faster, but this would ruin things with Hinata, who he thought he may like more if he got to know her. Then again, she talked way too slow, and Jon just didn't have the time for that shit.

Sakura looked a little hurt, so Jon put his arm around her. "We're just so young, and I hardly know you. Don't be down. You're really cute," he said, knowing exactly what she wanted to hear. Sakura went as red as she possibly could, sunburns not included.

"Alright guys, or, uh, guy and girls," Kurenai said, appearing suddenly.

"Hey, babe-sensei," Jon said, mustering up every bit of his bravado. Kurenai gave him a look that could have been a good one, perhaps a mix of, "what the hell?" and "something about this kid..." and "too young!" But Jon was probably over thinking things, he concluded. How could one look say so many conflicting things? It was impractical, and he was probably just being a desperate little boy.

Sakura looked really hurt, so Jon said, "don't worry, babe, she's too old for me. This is just who I am." Sakura's face lit up.

"I am not!" shouted Kurenai. Regret quickly took over her face. "I mean...lets just get to training." Jon smirked. _(AN: Don't worry, it's not going there. Just awkward first impressions.)_

Jon did the dumb challenges set up by Kurenai, and passed them easily, but not too easily. He was sick of standing out so much.

Kurenai stopped him after training, and said sultrily, "you sure are impressive, Uchiha Jon."

"I know, sensei. Thank you," Jon replied, smiling coolly, but then her big breasts got very close to him, and his cool smile disappeared. He wanted to touch them so badly! Kurenai was so close he could smell her fleshly, womanly, sweet scent. Hormones were running through him, and he hated himself for how much they controlled him, so he excused himself, and ran away.

That night Jon had sexy dreams, to say the least. He awoke feeling happy, gross, and ashamed.

He and his team had the day off, so Uchiha Jon decided to find Sakura. It did not take him very long. He stood at a distance and watched her for a little while. She was picking flowers, then using her chakra to reconnect them to their stems. She was wearing a conservative green dress. It did, however, have a slit running down the sides that exposed her thighs, and she only wore very short, tight shorts underneath, exposing a lot of her legs. Jon, in contrast, wore dark Uchiha clothes, like Sasuke's black chuunin exam ones, except he had his spikes and chains, and his shorts were baggier. They weren't very good ninja shorts, but he was way above his level at the moment, so he didn't really care. He'd think of more practical ninja shorts when he needed to. Perhaps none?

 _(AN: I know she doesn't have medical ninjutsu yet, but one would think that if someone can walk on water, one with such control as Sakura would be able to put a flower back together. Plus, Sakura needs things to do.)_

Uchiha Jon walked to her, and loomed over her back. "Hey, Sakura," he said. Her hair stood on end, and she whipped around.

"Uchiha Jon! You scared me!" she gasped. "Don't do that!" She stood up.

"Just call me Jon, Sakura," he said. "Sorry about that."

"That's okay," she replied. "Jon."

Jon picked a white flower, and placed it in Sakura's hair. "Very pretty," he complimented coolly.

"T-thank you," she said, blushing. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," he charmed.

"W-well, you found me. How can I help you?" She was so cute. Jon just wanted to kiss her. He told himself he didn't because he needed to move slowly, but really, this girl would probably let him.

"Why were you doing that? Aren't you like the best in class in terms of chakra control? Surely you don't need practice," Jon said.

"Thanks, Jon. Do you really think so?"

"Hell, yeah." If she were about to stop blushing, now she wasn't going to for a good while.

"I'm just trying to remember how it feels, you know? I've never had to do anything like that under pressure, so I want to make it instinctual when I have to," she replied.

"That's pretty smart. How do you feel when you do that?"

"Well, it takes a lot of concentration, but something about it is also calming. I want to grasp onto that. I think if I can associate it with only that calming feeling I won't have to concentrate."

 _She really is a genius,_ thought Jon. "I never considered something like that," he told her. "Smart girls are hot." Sakura's eyes grew wide. She glanced away, her face red, and squirmed a little.

"Thanks," she whispered. "No one has ever said anything like that to me before."

"Well, we're kinda young," Jon laughed. "It's not too late for such firsts." He coolly put his hands in his pockets. "You know?"

"Yeah," she agreed, breathlessly.

Jon held out his hand. She hesitated a moment, then took it. They walked through the field, hand in hand. Jon would glance at her from time to time, and she would grow red. They didn't speak for a long while.

"This isn't very ninja-like," Sakura said.

"Do we always have to be ninja?" Jon replied.

"I guess not. But we only just became genin. We should probably train."

"That's not what days off are for. They're for this." He smiled.

Before parting that evening, Sakura began, "Jon," she looked a little sad, "I had a nice time today," she forced a smile, "but I don't know..."

"Don't know what, Sakura?"

"It's just, I kind of...I don't know how I feel." Jon knew she was thinking of Sasuke.

"Stop right there, Sakura. You don't have to make this anything more than it is at this time. I'll just see you around, right?"

Sakura smiled. "Yes!"

 _(AN: Tell me what you think! I'm trying not to move this relationship too fast, and this isn't primarily a romance, but I just don't like the way Sakura was treated in the canon. Yes, she's an ignorant, young, love struck person, but a character could have set her straight...er, I guess Naruto tried. Her obsession with Sasuke is such a problem...It makes sense in a short story like a play or movie, but something with that many chapters... I just want more for Sakura! She had so much potential!)_


	2. The First Big Mission

_(AN: This chapter contains a little bit of graphic violence.)_

Jon Uchiha, Hinata, and Sakura were waiting for Kurenai.

"Your stance is a little off," said Jon Uchiha. He was behind Hinata and puppeteering her arms. "Yeah, like that." Jon Uchiha was showing her a martial arts stance that was easy to switch between the Gentle Fist, and it helped defend against its counters. Jon Uchiha smelled her hair. "Nice fragrance," whispered Jon Uchiha into her ear. She blushed.

"Jon-kun!" shouted Sakura.

"Yeah, Sakura-chan?" Jon Uchiha let go of Hinata, which made her look sad, and he walked to Sakura.

"What are you doing?" asked Sakura. She looked sad too, but there was a tinge of anger in her voice, also.

"Just helping Hinata out, gosh," replied Jon Uchiha.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with seeing you like that," said Sakura, glancing away.

"Geesh, babe, we're just ninja training. Besides, _you're_ the one who said you weren't sure about _us_."

"Y-yeah, you're right. But do you have to do it right in front of me?"

"Babe, like I said, we're just ninja training," said Jon Uchiha. Sakura was looking really sad. Jon Uchiha moved a hand under her chin and gently guided her face up to look her in the eyes. "But if it's that important to you, I won't." Her face lit up, and they hugged.

"Thanks, Jon-kun," whispered Sakura.

"No problem, Sakura-chan." She smelled like blossoms. "You smell better, anyways." Sakura giggled, and nuzzled into his neck. Jon Uchiha winked at Hinata. She blushed.

Suddenly, Kurenai-sensei appeared. She cleared her throat, and Jon Uchiha jumped out of Sakura's arms. He quickly straightened himself out.

"Sup, babe-sensei," said Jon Uchiha, briskly brushing his full black bangs back.

"Please don't call me that," said Kurenai, glaring and blushing.

"Aw, but c'mon, you're such a babe, sensei," pleaded Jon Uchiha.

"I said no!"

"Aw, fine, gosh," wined Jon Uchiha, manly. Sakura nodded, and so did Hinata. They liked confident, sensitive men.

Suddenly, Jon Uchiha gleamed his eyes. Kurenai then pulled out a piece of paper. "Alright, we have our first C-rank mission!" said Kurenai.

"Yeah, sensei? What is it?" asked Jon Uchiha.

"I am also feeling curious," said Sakura and Hinata, but not exactly at the same time. Jon Uchiha frowned.

"Girls, please, let Kurenai-sensei talk," said Jon Uchiha.

"Thank you, Jon-kun," said Kurenai.

"W-we're s-sorry," said Hinata and Sakura, but not completely in unison. Jon Uchiha frowned deeper.

"Right, so we're to escort this bridge builder to the Land of Waves. Protect him from bandits, whatever. Standard stuff," explained Kurenai.

"Sounds super easy," said Jon Uchiha. "Check this out." He jumped on top of a one hundred foot tree. "I can probably see the Land of Waves from here!"

"So cool!" blushed Sakura. Hinata looked at Sakura, then blushed.

"Get down from there, Jon Uchiha!" shouted Kurenai.

"Aw, but babe-sensei!" yelled Jon Uchiha.

"JON UCHIHA!"

"I mean, Kurenai-sensei..." Jon Uchiha jumped down, landing next to babe-sensei. Jon Uchiha took a bow, grinning. Sakura clapped her hands, then so did Hinata. _(AN: If Jon can't call her that, I guess I will! I hate having to think about how to spell Kurenai!)_

Babe-sensei was not amused. "Jon Uchiha!" she shouted in her sultry voice. "I had thought you were a decent, cool young ninja! Perhaps I was mistaken!" She was frowning.

"Jon-kun, I think Kurenai-sensei may have a point. The way you're acting right now kind of reminds me of _that_ Naruto," said Sakura. Jon Uchiha stared at her, then glanced away.

"I'm sorry everyone," said Jon Uchiha.

"Alright, well, this mission may be easy, but don't let your guard down. You never know what will happen outside the village," said Kurenai.

"Yeah, that's right," said Sakura. "Jon-kun, you may be the best in the class, but Kurenai-sensai is a jounin!"

"That's right, Sakura. The village has many enemies. I'm not sure what Iruka was thinking putting an Uchiha and a Hyuuga in the same class."

"What do you mean, sensei?" asked Hinata.

"I mean, those eyes of yours are very valuable." She narrowed her brows. "There are some ninja who wouldn't hesitate to kill even a kid for them."

"But sensei, I haven't awoken my sharingan," lied Jon Uchiha.

"Some would still love to study the secrets of your body," explained Kurenai. "Kakashi of the Sharingan is not an Uchiha, yet he can use the eye. Someone may think they might be able to awaken it too!"

"That's true," muttered Jon Uchiha, feeling foolish.

"We should get going. Our employer will be waiting for us at the village gates."

And so began their journey to the Land of Waves.

While walking Jon Uchiha tapped Sakura on the shoulder and said, "hey, Sakura-chan, fall back with me." He offered his hand and she took it. They walked together and Jon Uchiha said, "Baby, how are you?"

"I'm exited, Jon-kun. Today I feel like a real ninja!" She smiled.

Suddenly, Zabuza of the Mist attacked Kurenai without so much as an introduction! Jon Uchiha had heard of the mercilessness of the Mist Village. Anyway, Kurenai was no slouch and weaved some hand signs, but at the same time Zabuza created a thick fog of mist. Jon Uchiha ran up to Kurenai.

"Babe-sensei, did you get him?" asked Jon Uchiha. She scowled.

"No, Jon, I don't think so. This mist likely interferes with genjutsu."

"I didn't know there were such countermeasures," said Sakura.

"Well, the fog strongly effected Zabuza's senses at the right moment. If I were able to catch him off guard, I should be able to put him under hypnosis now, since his body would already be accustomed to the fog," explained Kurenai.

Jon Uchiha ran into the thick fog.

"Jon-kun!" shouted Sakura, but her voice was only a faint echo.

"Kid, who are you? Do you wish to die? My only target is the bridge builder. Get out of here," came a voice like a demon.

"I am Jon. Jon _Uchiha_ ," replied Jon Uchiha, but his voice was much deeper and darker than normal, and had the fire and determination of a Hokage. He heard the patter of footsteps, then they disappeared. Soon, the mist cleared and Zabuza was gone. Kurenai, Sakura, and Hinata ran up to Jon Uchiha.

"Jon!" exclaimed Kurenai. "What happened? Where is Zabuza?"

"I don't know," said Jon Uchiha. He narrowed his eyes. "But don't you sense it, sensei?"

"Yeah. He's lurking about. The killer intent is real," she replied.

"He told me he was after the bridge builder," explained Jon. "Maybe he didn't expect him to be guarded. He might try to assassinate him while we're not looking."

Everyone tensed up, especially the bridge builder. "You're no ordinary bridge builder!" exclaimed Kurenai, whipping around and pointing dramatically.

"No, it is true. I am not," the builder responded. "But I object to an interrogation!"

"Then just explain yourself!"

"I am a very important bridge builder. If I build my bridge, it will increase the economy of my home, and the mob boss who runs the place won't be able to extort its people as much, since their options will increase, and the village will be able to become more trade based," explained the bridge builder.

"Damnit," muttered Kurenai. "You've endangered the lives of these children! They are only genin! And you've cheated our village!"

"I'm sorry, but my village is very poor because of the oppression." He looked genuinely remorseful, and sad.

"We have to help him," said Hinata. Jon Uchiha smiled at the kindness in Hinata's voice.

"Please, Kurenai-sensei. We can't just leave him here," said Sakura.

Kurenai sighed. "Yes, I suppose we can't."

"We can," said Jon Uchiha. "This is how the world works. We have our own village to worry about. Kurenai-sensei, if you were to die here, we'd lose one of our strongest ninja for such a foolish reason." Sakura looked at him, mortified. "That's what I'd like to say," added Jon Uchiha, "but I won't back down, and if we get rid of Zabuza, that'll help the village, too."

"Get rid of?" asked Sakura.

" _Kill_ him."

"Yes," said Kurenai. "He is too dangerous. That is our job as ninja."

Sakura looked sad, but then a sudden determination lit up in her eyes. "Alright!"

Kurenai smiled. "Okay, my genin! Let us continue. Stay alert. Surround Tazuna," said Kurenai. The three genin made a triangle around the bridge builder, and they carried on with Kurenai in front.

Soon, the air thickened, then a fog rolled in. "He's making his move," said Jon Uchiha.

Kurenai was already weaving hand signs. A clone of her appeared. One of the Kurenai moved to the back of the group's formation.

"Byakugan!" shouted Hinata. "Oh no! There's someone else here!"

"What? A second enemy?" asked Sakura.

Kurenai tensed. "This is bad. If there is another of Zabuza's level..."

"Hinata, where are they?" asked Jon Uchiha.

"Zabuza is to the left, and the other is northeast, about 20 feet up in a tree."

Jon Uchiha ran northeast.

"Jon-kun!" shouted Sakura.

Jon Uchiha came to the tree where a masked ninja was standing on a limb. "Haku," said Jon Uchiha.

"How do you know who I am?" asked Haku.

"Nevermind that," replied Jon Uchiha. "I need you dead, so just die." Jon Uchiha gleamed his eyes, then Haku took out a kunai and stabbed himself in the throat. The body fell to the ground. Jon Uchiha walked over to the corpse, severed its head and stuffed it in his backpack. Then he ran back to the others.

The bridge builder was dead and Hinata was laying on the ground, her left arm laying about ten feet away. Kuranei and Sakura were tending to her.

"Jon!" shouted Kurenai. "Look what happened! Where were you?"

"I-I...I killed the other one." He knelt down near Hinata. "I am so sorry, Hinata." Tears fell from his eyes.

"I-I-It wasn't your fault," said Hinata with a weary smile.

"But...your arm...your beautiful arm..."

After tending to Hinata, Kurenai said, "where is the other's body?" Jon took her to the corpse. "What happened to the head?"

"It got blown up," lied Jon Uchiha. Kurenai narrowed her eyes.

"Do you know who it was?"

"No, but he wore an anbu mask."

Kurenai's eyes grew wide. "Zabuza was working with the anbu?"

"It would appear so," said Jon Uchiha.

"We need to get back to the village and report all this. This...this doesn't make sense."

They returned to the village and Kurenai went to the Hokage to report the details of the failed mission. Jon Uchiha returned to his home. He drew a summoning circle on his floor, performed the blood ritual, and a large raven appeared. He then put Haku's head in a box and gave it to the raven. His eyes gleamed, then the raven flew out the window, carrying the box, and unseen by anyone, aside from Jon Uchiha. He put the anbu mask in a drawer then gleamed his eyes.


	3. Togetherness

Uchiha Jon opened a parcel. Inside was an orb and a lot of money. He put the orb inside the drawer with the anbu mask, and the money inside his wallet, so it would no longer be empty. Smiling, he stood up. His face soon twisted into fear. He whipped around and saw Sasuke staring at him through the window. His eyes were red and crazed. _So, he still got it,_ Uchiha Jon thought. He walked over to the window and opened it. Jon jumped out of the way as Sasuke jumped into his house.

"What the hell do you want?" Uchiha Jon asked. Sasuke looked deranged. He was sweating, his chest heaving.

"I can't take it anymore!" he shouted, and took a slow step towards Jon. "I must know!"

"I told you, I can't tell you anything!" Uchiha Jon exclaimed, stepping back. "You're scaring me, dude." Sasuke stepped forward, again and again. Uchiha Jon hit the wall. He tried to gleam Sasuke, but it didn't seem to work.

"No, not _that_." Uchiha Sasuke said, his voice ragged, depressed. He pressed his lips against Uchiha Jon's! Jon closed his eyes and started making out with Sasuke. He could tell it made Sasuke feel better. When they disengaged, he looked Sasuke in the eyes. He was crying, but no longer looked deranged. They stared into the depths of each other's soul. An undetermined amount of time passed.

"Sasuke," Jon said.

"Y-yeah?" Sasuke stammered.

"I think you are a gay dude, bro."

"N-no! I feel better now!" Sasuke shouted, punched the wall, then jumped out the window. Uchiha Jon watched his cute ass run away.

"Geesh, that guy is gay," he said, shaking his head. "Well, I don't have time for this shit," he proclaimed and shut the window.

Later, Uchiha Jon found Sakura. She was having lunch at a ramen shop. Sakura looked sad when she noticed him. "J-Jon-kun," she stuttered.

"What's wrong, Sakura?" He worried that Sasuke had pretended Jon was gay and told her about their kiss.

"Jon-kun...I saw the body. He was just a kid, and you blew his head up!"

"Sakura-chan..." he reached forward towards her. She grimaced, and he pulled his hand back. "Sakura, it was either him, or me..." he claimed.

"I know, but it is just so sad." She glanced away.

"It is the world that is sad." Jon reached a hand out again. He placed it on her cheek. She did not pull away. Instead, she turned her head and looked him in the eyes. Her mouth opened a little, as if to say something, but she didn't. Her chest was heaving as he looked deeply into her green soul. "Sakura-chan..." She moved her head closer to him, and he placed a soft kiss on her lips. She blushed.

"Jon-kun," she whispered.

"Sakura-chan," he whispered back.

"I think I'm going to try to forget about Sasuke," she whispered.

"That's probably for the best," Jon whispered, kissing her more. They parted their embrace. "How's Hinata?"

Sakura glanced away. "The doctors managed to reattach her arm, but it'll probably never be the same."

"It's all my fault," Jon muttered, glancing away, too.

"No, it isn't! It was Zabuza and whoever hired that creep!"

Uchiha Jon sighed. Unless he told her the whole truth, it would be impossible to take the blame. "Sakura-chan, you are too kind," he said.

"You know Hinata doesn't blame you, so why?"

 _Damn, now she's actually not going to let it go,_ thought Jon. "You know, it's just...if I didn't go off on my own, who knows..."

"That's right! Who knows what would of happened? It was Zabuza who swung the sword." She smiled slightly.

 _But it was I who placed her in my group, and it was I who gave us the mission,_ Jon thought, but said, "yeah, Sakura. You're right." He returned the smile.

"You hungry?" Sakura asked. Jon made a "kind of" face. "Want the rest of my ramen?"

"Sure," Jon replied. Sharing a meal with a girl sounded really nice right then.

Later, Naruto bumped into Jon. "Watch where you're going," Jon said.

"Sorry, Jon," Naruto said timidly. "H-hey, have you seen Sasuke around? Kakashi-sensei has been looking for him."

"Oh, _have I,"_ Jon retorted.

"Yeah, have you?"

Jon rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he was...around my house, earlier. He ran west, I think."

"Ran?"

"Uh, yeah. He looked like he was in a hurry, or something."

"Thanks, Jon. I'll tell Kakashi-sensei." Naruto grinned his stupid fox face, then suddenly got closer and offered to pound Jon's fist. Jon's nose flared and he shoved Naruto away.

"Take a shower, gosh," Jon said. Naruto's face got real sad.

"Oh gosh, you're not going to cry?"

"N-no!" Naruto shouted, then ran away. Jon sighed, put his hands in his pockets, and walked to the hospital.

"H-hi, Jon-kun," Hinata said. She didn't sound very good, nor look it.

"How are you holding up?" Jon asked, taking a seat by her bed.

"I-I'll be okay," she said, smiling weakly.

"I know what you said, but I'm still really sorry." He glanced away.

"Jon-kun, please don't be." She reached a shaking hand out to him. He clasped it.

"If I ever see Zabuza again, I promise, I'll _kill_ him."

"No, Jon-kun. Don't think about that." She shook her head. "Please, lets not think about revenge. This was my choice."

Jon turned away.

"A-are you crying?"

"No!"

"It's okay," her little voice said. Jon turned back to her. "Thank you for worrying about me," she whispered.

 _She's right. I shouldn't kill Zabuza. I should kill myself._

"Jon-kun," she whispered. She clumsily sat herself up, then tugged on Jon's hand. She closed her eyes and puckered her lips. Jon pulled his hand back, and turned away.

"I'm sorry, Hinata, but I really don't feel well." _What right do I have?_ he thought, then looked at her. The poor injured girl looked very sad, but she tried to hold it back, her eyebrows shaking.

"O-okay, Jon-kun." But Jon moved to her and took her in his arms. She wrapped hers around him. He looked deeply into her lavender eyes.

 _Such unique eyes, like mine,_ he thought. Her bottom lip trembled.

"Jon-kun," she whispered and moved her lips closer to his. "Jon-kun..." Jon brushed his lips against hers. She tugged on his lower lip. "Jon-kun," she breathed into him.

"Hinata-chan..."

"Oh, Jon-kun..."

They kissed for a while. Jon left the hospital feeling good, and reached his house feeling like shit.

 _I know what we agreed upon, but she said she was going to try and forget him._ Jon leaned his forehead against his front door and weakly hit the bottom of his fist against the wood.

He opened the door to see Sasuke's face! Those eyes lustfully stared at him!

 _Shit, did I forget to lock the door?_ Jon thought. "What the hell are you doing here, bro? Seriously, this is getting _really_ screwed up," he said.

"Jon-kun, I want you, and I know you want me!" Sasuke exclaimed, kind of crazy, but not as crazy as before. Sasuke pressed his body against Jon's and they made out.

"No, bro, I don't," Jon said, pushing Sasuke onto his bed. "I'm not gay, dude, I was just using you for practice. I was just making out with Sakura and Hinata," he told Sasuke between kisses.

"Jon-kun, h-how c-could y-you?" Sasuke stuttered. Jon was getting annoyed at all the stuttering, so he slapped Sasuke across the face. Sasuke looked up at him out of the corners of his eyes, his head tilted. "J-Jon-kun?"

"You trespass into my house and try to make me gay, and think you're just going to get away with it?" he said rhetorically and pulled Sasuke's shirt off, then shoved him down.

"I don't understand," Sasuke cried.

"Neither do I!" shouted Jon. He climbed on top of Sasuke.

They made out for a while.

Jon got up, parting from Sasuke. Sasuke looked sad, and panted out, "Where are you going, Jon-kun?" Jon walked to the window and opened it. He pushed down on the windowsill with his palms and stood firmly, looking out into the night sky.

"C'mere, Sasuke," he said. Sasuke obeyed. They looked out the window together. "Aren't the stars beautiful tonight?"

"Yeah, Jon-kun..." Sasuke whispered. Jon shoved him out the window.

"And don't come back!" he shouted. Sasuke cried and ran away. "That dude is seriously gay," Jon muttered.

Suddenly, Jon heard a frantic rapping on his _other_ window. _The hell_ , he thought, whipping around. Sakura's face was peering through. "Oh for Gosh sake!" Jon walked to the window. Sakura was crying. _Oh shit!_ Jon slowly opened the window, all the while watching the tears streaming down Sakura's face. "H-hi, S-Sakura. What are you doing here?"

"I was coming by to ask if you wanted to do something tomorrow when I saw..." She wiped the tears from her face.

"Sakura, how long were you here?"

"I saw the whole thing! But it was kinda hot..." She blushed. Then she furrowed her brows. "How could you?!"

"Sakura-chan, I didn't," he said. His voice was raspy. "I mean, it's not what it looked like."

"Then what was it?!"

"Sasuke hypnotized me! He has the sharingan now!" Sakura raised a balled hand to her cheek, and her eyes went wide.

"R-really?" she asked.

"Yeah, Sakura-chan."

"That's horrible! That's gotta be a crime, right?"

"Probably, Sakura-chan. I'm not really sure. But who would believe me, anyways?"

"I do, Jon-kun. _I,_ " she reached through the window and hugged Jon, " _d_ _o_."

"It's so embarrassing, Sakura-chan." Sakura tightened her hug and buried her face into his shoulder. _Damn that sexy bastard, making me lie to Sakura-chan because of his gay insecurities._ "Sakura-chan, please just go home and forget about this. I'll take care of it."

"But if he could do that..."

"Don't worry about it. Now that I know he has the sharingan, I think I can be prepared."

"Wait." She pulled away and looked up at him. "Why did he make you hit him? Were you trying to fight back?"

"He's probably just kinky," Jon replied.

"Oh, okay, Jon-kun. Are you sure you don't want me to stay for a bit?"

"Stay?"

"Y-yeah" She blushed, raising a hand to her cheek. "You probably feel really confused."

"Yeah, I suppose I do," Jon replied, and offered her his hand. She took it and climbed through the window. They walked to his bed and started to kiss. _Damn, I feel like such a jerk._ He continued to have such thoughts, and before he knew it, they were done making out, and Sakura was gone. Jon fell back on his bed and sighed.


	4. Before the Exam

_(AN: Jon is a really complicated character. I don't think sarcastically labeling him as the "totally not gay" Uchiha is accurate. He's less gay and more just feels really bad for Sasuke. How do you explain his enthusiasm for Babe-sensei's huge breasts? I suppose even girls could be into her...hey, that's a good idea...but perhaps one best left for the future. Anyhow, Jon isn't gay, and Sasuke probably isn't, either! As Jon told Sakura, they are young enough for many firsts!)_

Jon was in his house making out with Sasuke when he heard the doorbell ring. He asked himself, _why was Sakura at the window and not the door? These Konoha people really have something against doors!_ He gleamed the dresser drawer containing the orb and the anbu mask, just incase. There was an alarm clock atop the dresser. _Noon already?_

"Sasuke, get in the closest!" Jon demanded.

"J-Jon-kun? I thought we'd been over this," Sasuke whimpered. His black Uchiha eyes wiggled behind pools of water.

"Sasuke, my dude, you're a totally gay bro, and I'd never ask you to stop being you," Jon replied. Sasuke smiled. "I meant, _hide_ in the closest. Literally. Physically, whatever phrasing gets through to that stupid brain behind your sexy face."

"Jon-kun, you really know how to charm a bro," Sasuke said, walking to the closest. "He thinks I'm sexy..."

"Shut up, you dumbass, I'm just being nice!" Jon-kun shouted. Jon-kun did think Sasuke was sexy, but he had shit to do, so he kicked Sasuke in the ass, sending him flying into the closest. Jon then shut the door and put a lot of locks on it and threw the keys out the window. Jon and Sasuke's gay friction must have given them super speed, because whoever was at the door was being very patient.

Jon opened the door to Ino's face. She had cut her giant bang of hair, or perhaps just stopped wearing it that way.

"Uchiha Jon!" Ino shouted. She didn't look very happy.

"What is it, Ino?" Jon asked slowly, but not too slowly. He leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms, very coolly.

"Uh, Jon? Slow down! You're talking a mile a minute!"

"Sorry, Ino," Jon replied. _Is it because of our sharingans reflecting off one another's souls for so long?_ "What's wrong, Ino?"

"Did you sneak into my house and cut my hair?!"

"Why would I ever of wanted to have done that? You look ever so very plain now, my sweet Ino- _chan_ , although the plainness is one of great beauty, quiet grace, and sexy good looks," he said smartly. He learned this technique from his foster father, who was a very good lawyer.

"Uh, t-thanks, Jon- _kun_?" Ino responded. "I think?"

"Of course, my dear Ino-chan." Jon-kun grabbed her hand and it brought it up to his lips. She blushed.

"J-Jon-kun, I guess I'll be on my way, then."

Suddenly, shouting came from the closest!

"Jon-kun! Can I come out now? It's very uncomfortable in here!" Sasuke shouted, muffelly. Ino's eyes grew wide.

"Who is that, Jon-kun?"

"Oh, that's just Sasuke. He's hiding in my closest from you."

"From me? Why?"

"Oh shit! I've said too much."

Ino narrowed her eyes. "Jon-kun, what do you mean?"

"It was Sasuke who cut your hair! He said he just needed _a part of you_."

Ino blushed. "R-really?" she asked. "He said that?"

"Hell, yeah, Ino-chan."

"Can I talk to him?"

"Well, you see, I kinda lost the keys, so you'll have to talk to him through the closest door."

"Oh, uh, okay, I suppose." Jon moved aside, and Ino let herself into the house. "Sasuke-kun?"

"Uh, yeah," he said muffelly. "Who's this?"

"Uh, it's Ino, Sasuke-kun."

"Ino?" Sasuke sounded as if he didn't know her. Jon began to worry that Ino would suspect that he was lying about Sasuke cutting her air, or that Sasuke would pretend Jon was gay.

 _Uh, c'mon, bro_ , Jon thought.

"Oh, hi, uh, Ino- _chan_ ," muffled Sasuke.

 _Maybe Sasuke isn't as useless as I had once thought,_ thought Jon-kun, sneakily.

"Sasuke, if-if you wanted some of my hair, all you had to do was ask!" Ino shouted then jumped out the window and ran away.

 _And here I thought someone respected the door,_ thought Jon.

"Uh, Jon-kun? Can you let me out of here?" Sasuke asked.

"Sorry, Sasuke-chan, but I seem to have misplaced the keys," Jon said, looking outside at the keys beneath the window. "I'm going to head out. I'll be back in a few hours or more with a locksmith, okay, Sasuke-chan?"

"Oh, okay, Jon-kun. I had a lot of stuff to do, but I guess I can wait."

Jon climbed up his windowsill, then stopped, crouching there. "By the way, I'm going to need you to pretend you're into Ino for a while, okay, Sasuke-chan?"

"But Jon-kun! What the hell? I thought you were my dude!"

"I am your dude, bro, but this is important. Please?"

"Okay, Jon-kun..."

"Thanks, Sasuke-chan," Jon said, dreamily, then leapt out the window. He pocketed the keys.

While walking, Naruto blocked Jon's path. Before Naruto could open his stupid mouth attached to his stupid fox face, Jon punched him in the gut. "How much do I have to abuse you before you get the hint? Leave me the hell alone, Sasuke!" Spittle flew out of Naruto's mouth, in slow-motion to the perception of Jon-kun.

 _(AN: I really want to have Jon and Naruto have a relationship, but that would be really gay and out of character. As I've said, Jon feels bad for Sasuke, because he is an Uchiha, while he doesn't care about Naruto's feelings.)_

"J-Jon? Are you alright?" Naruto asked between wheezes. "I'm Naruto, not Sasuke."

"I know who you are, dumbass."

"Is Sasuke okay? I haven't seen him all day, and we were suppose to be on a mission with Kakashi-sensei! What the hell has gotten into that guy?"

Jon did not understand this Naruto boy. He had just punched him, yet he was only concerned about Sasuke. "Naruto, are you good friends with Sasuke?" he asked.

"Er..." the dumb fox face finally disappeared. "I wouldn't say we're good friends, but I like to consider us rivals. That was, until recently...now I'm not even sure Sasuke is worth my time, haha!" Naruto tried to look cheery.

"Naruto, look," Jon started, "I'm sorry I hate you and all, but you're just so annoying, and smell bad, and you even look like you smell bad."

"Haha, Jon, that's okay. I get that a lot." Naruto tried to sound cheery, and put that dumb fox façade back on. "You know, it's nice talking to you, despite everything. I'm always so lonely, especially now that Sasuke doesn't even show up to practices."

Jon sighed and offered Naruto his hand. Naruto peeked at the hand between the fox eyes. He looked for a while.

"Wow, Jon, I..." he offered Jon his hand. Jon noticed some brown stuff on it.

"What the hell, Naruto?! What is that?!"

"Oh my Gosh, Jon...I tried wiping my ass..."

Jon gave Naruto a look of pity, shook his head sadly, then ran away.

Jon ran and ran, like he wasn't running from a bunch of shit, but...he was. _Naruto's shit!_ It took every bit of his will not to vomit. Had it been Sakura's or Hinata's, or even Sasuke's, he may have forgiven it. After all, it had only been a mistake. A gross, disgusting, unpleasant, gross mistake. Naruto was clearly just learning, but no amount of pity could compensate for the fact that he simply wiped his ass with his hand, even if he had tried to use toilet paper, which Jon was uncertain about. Uchiha Jon stopped running as he reached the door to the hospital.

"Jon-kun! I am so glad to see you!" Hinata said, excitedly! She was looking much better, but who was to say how she really felt! Looks can be deceptive! And thusly, Jon tread water slowly!

"Hi! Hinata! I am glad you are feeling better!" he said with truthfulness! But he did not believe!

Greek chorus: Woah is our hero! they shouted? _(AN: I wanted to use a Greek chorus here, but it has been so long since I have read of one, and I was too lazy to look it up, lol! Sorry that I don't understand the formatting! Please forgive me, I'm not Greek!)_

"Gomen, no Sai," whispered Jon-kun. He was crying again, but not because he wasn't manly. In fact, these were the manliest of tears. Jon-kun was reflecting on his weakness. "I am still so sorry, Hinata-chan," he said. This repetition, however, was not very manly. He is in fact, still a child of only like twelve or thirteen.

 _(AN: You can make them older if the sexuality is a problem to you. That is entirely your choice! Personally, this is akin to how I remember being an early teen, to be still under legal age, may be that whatever it is your country! I don't really view these characters as people, but rather a representation of how I felt during the age they are, and I read them. Any sickness you feel is merely your own doing, so I'd consult a doctor! Tell the head doctor you are having impure thoughts about fictional, underage characters, and he (or she, lol!) may be able to help!)_

"It is okay, Jon-kun. Please, stop blaming yourself. I will be fine in a couple of weeks."

 _A couple of weeks? That doesn't cut the chunin exams!_ Jon grimaced for awhile, super sad like, regretting what he was about to do, for his next actions were very regretful. Jon gleamed, sexily. "You sure, Hinata? The chunin exams will take place in a week. Will you be able to make it?"

Hinata looked very sad, but said, "okay, Jon-kun. I'll try! I'll try my best!" she smiled sweetly. Jon moved closer to her and kissed her!

"I'm so glad, Hinata. You'll be fine in about a week! That is so good to hear."

"Jon-kun..." she whispered into him. Hinata may not have been as naturally attractive to Jon, what because of her creepy eyes and lack of pink hair, but she was so sweet it made him feel much worse than when he lied to Sakura!

"Hinata-chan...I..." he began, then grasped her head, gently, and brought his lips to hers. "I...I...I think I love you!"

"Oh, Jon-kun!"

"Just call me," he began, kissing her more deeply, then pulling back a little. His eyes were half open as he looked into her half open soul. "Jon-sama."

"Jon- _sama_ ," replied Hinata. The breath softly came between her lips, and tickled Jon's. She was so delicate and cute.

"I love you, and only you," he told her, which may have been a lie, but he felt so bad that he had to make her feel as best as possible.

"W-why do you say that, Jon-sama?" Her face contorted into worry.

"It's just...erm." Jon glanced away. "Sakura has been hitting on me a lot, you know? And I kind of really like her," he explained.

"Jon-kun..." she glanced away.

"But as I said! I only love you!" _At this moment, that is..._

"Jon-kun..." Hinata moved closer, and Jon kissed her. They pressed their bodies together, and he moaned at the feeling of her modest, budding breasts. He felt oddly drawn to them, as if he had never known his mother, which, sadly, he didn't.

"Hinata-chan..."

Suddenly, the door shook! Jon's eyes grew wide, then narrowed as he lifted his head smugly, because who entered was Sakura, and she was carrying many red roses, and blushing!

"H-Hinata. How are you doing, Hinata? And...Jon-kun? Is that you? Why are you here?"

"You know it's me," Jon-kun said, glaring. He wanted to add "bitch" into the exchange, but instead he said, "babe."

Sakura gave off a distressed chuckle. "I was just bringing Hinata some flowers."

"Some sexy flowers," said Jon, glaring sexily.

"Thank you, Sakura," said Hinata, smiling worriedly. "They are much appreciated." She coughed, but Jon could tell it was a fake cough.

"Sakura, Hinata..." he began, glaring still. Then his eyes relaxed. "If you're into each other, that is okay. I think we should all experiment! We're young, and there is nothing wrong with it!"

Sakura looked at Jon for awhile, as if she was expecting a "but," but once she didn't hear one for awhile, she smiled at Hinata. Hinata smiled back. Sakura held the roses out to Hinata. She took them, giggling, and said, "I'm so glad sexuality is fluid, especially when you're so young!" exclaimed Hinata sweetly.

Sakura nooded, "right!" Then Sakura leaned close. Her eyes closed as she brought a hand up to Hinata's cheek. Hinata glanced at Jon. He nodded. Hinata moved her face forward, pushing her lips into Sakura's! Jon grinned. The two made out for awhile, Jon loving every moment. He thought Sakura even tried to move a hand to Hinata's breasts! But he wasn't at a good enough angle to see, because he wasn't a pervert. But he imaged, and it was sexy.

"Jon-kun," the both said, in unison. Jon moved close, and the three started making out together!

Later, Jon-kun opened his door, to the alarm clock reading 11:30. He had made out with Sakura and Hinata for a whole ten hours, cause he's not gay!

"J-Jon-kun, is that you?" muffled the closet.

 _(AN: So, Jon has embraced his skills at manipulation! Oh no!)_


	5. The Exam Begins!

_(AN: Hello! First of all, I'd just like to explain something about the previous chapter: I was drunk when I wrote the second half of it. Now, I could delete the chapter, or fix it up, but because so many people already have seen it, I think that would be unethical as an author, plus it moved the plot in the direction I wanted it to. Forward!)_

Jon pulled a handle. He put the mask of the decapitated crossdresser into his backpack. For once, Sasuke wasn't inside of his house, because he was preparing himself for the chunin exams. It was strange, but gave Jon a moment of quiet reflection. Life was pretty great right now. He had two girlfriends who knew about one another, and did lesbian stuff together, and sometimes let him watch, and sometimes join in. He also had Sasuke, who was totally his bitch. Truth be told, he couldn't really even recognize Sasuke anymore. Jon didn't really like Sasuke's personality before, and now he was pretty damn pathetic, but that also worked out to Jon's benefit. Truth be told, Jon didn't really expect any of this when he first came to Konoha, but he just couldn't control himself. Unfortunately, there were only two or three girls his age worth any note in Konaha. Jon had once considered that Sasuke might even be a girl, or something, but had found out that isn't so.

Jon glanced up at the light. _I'm sorry, Hinata, but I absolutely have to take the exam. The world depends on it. I hope._

A knock turned him around. Of course, it was Sasuke. "Hi, bro, what do you want?" Jon asked. Sasuke climbed into the house.

Sasuke glanced at the floor, then took in a deep breath and looked Jon straight in the eye. His Uchiha eyes quivered behind tears. "Jon-kun, can't you call me something more affectionate than 'bro'?" Jon placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulder and shook his head.

"No, bro, I'm sorry, but that's just impossible." Jon smiled and wiped some of Sasuke's tears away. "You know what I mean?"

"I think so, Jon. We're Uchiha. The only Uchiha." Sasuke started to look happier, for a moment.

"Well, there is that brother of yours..." Jon pointed out. Sasuke began to shake.

"Jon-kun...will you...will you kill him for me?" Jon did not respond. Instead, he embraced Sasuke, who cried into Jon's shoulder.

After some time, Jon pulled away and asked, "Sasuke-chan, is there anything else wrong?"

"W-well," he sniffed. "y-you see, there was t-this d-dumb b-boy, Gaara. H-he m-made fun of me."

"Is that so? Did you tell him to screw off?"

"Y-yes, Jon-kun. I was super cool, even, but he was just so in-intimidating, and s-strong. Why, Jon-kun? I am an Uchiha, with a sharingan. Why is some random kid with some sand stronger than me?!"

"Well, Sasuke-chan, that's because your friendship isn't strong enough. Friendship is the key to a ninja's strength. It is where chakra comes from, in fact."

"R-really, Jon-kun?"

Jon nodded with a thick smile then went to the closet. "Here, take this," he said, handing a magical girl outfit to Sasuke. "Put that on, and take this wand, too. When I need you, the wand will glow, and just hit the button on the side of it, and you'll be swooshed over to me. Got it?"

"Uh...Jon-kun? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this," Sasuke said, but Jon looked soulfully at him, and before he knew it, Sasuke was in the outfit. He grew twin tails and modestly filled out the outfit. "Actually, this isn't so bad." He didn't look so bad, either, and his voice was higher. Sasuke brought a hand up to his mouth, blushing. Jon pushed Sasuke against the wall and gently pressed his lips to his.

"It suits you," he whispered into Sasuke's ear. Sasuke giggled.

"Jon-sama..."

"Yeah, Sasuke-chan?"

"N-nothing..." Sasuke blushed, glancing down. "You know, I wasn't gay until I met you."

"I get that a lot."

"Huh? You mean I'm not your first boyfriend?"

Jon laughed. "Boyfriend? Well, yeah, okay."

"Jon-sama, how will I contact you if I need _your_ help?" He looked up at Jon vulnerably.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke-chan, but for appearances I need to date other girls, so I can't give you my number."

"Oh, okay," Sasuke mumbled, glancing away. "I don't really understand, but I trust you." Sasuke brought his eyes to Jon's. "Jon-sama..."

"Yeah, Sasuke-chan?"

"Be safe!" He smiled with his eyes closed. Jon thought that was kinda weird, but cute.

"You too, Sasuke-chan."

Later, Jon was with Sakura and Hinata. They were in Hinata's hospital room making out with each other. At that moment Jon was making out with Sakura.

"N-no fair," Hinata whispered, blushing. She got closer and pushed her lips between the two's. Sakura placed her hand behind Hinata's head and began kissing her passionately, but not too passionately, and it was a bit clumsy, because they were kids and didn't really know what they were doing.

"Our closeness should definitely give us an advantage during the exam," Jon explained wisely.

"Yeah," Sakura said sexily after catching her breath in-between a kiss. "We'll be the best there."

"Yeah!" exclaimed Hinata. "Our polygamist relationship will give us strength!"

"Indeed," said Jon, even more wisely than before. "We should probably get going, or at least get out of here."

"But Jon-sama! We want to make out more!" Sakura and Hinata said almost in unison.

"I know, girls, I do too, but the exam will be starting soon." He placed a hand under Sakura's chin. "Here, I'll show you something fun," he said and kissed her with his tongue. Sakura giggled, then the three tongue kissed together for an undetermined amount of time, but it wasn't too long, cause they had shit to do.

"Awesome," Sakura said, looking at Hinata. They blushed together while the three got out of the bed.

Sakura and Hinata had to change, especially Hinata, because she had been in bed a lot, so the two bathed together, but it was innocent, because they had shit to do. When they were done they came out wearing matching BDSM suits, but it wasn't really that hot, because they were just kids and didn't really fit into that stuff well, and Jon thought it was kind of weird, but their synchronization was kind of cool, and he could kind of image them with bodies like Babe-sensei's, and that would probably be hot. The future would be bright!

Babe-sensei also thought it was weird, or something, because she gave the two an odd look that Jon had never seen before. "Okay, _my genin_ , well, are you ready for the first stage of the Chunin Exam?"

"Yes!" they all exclaimed, but not totally in unison.

So, they went and took the first part of the exam. Sakura was very studious and smart, and Hinata and Jon could easily cheat, so they all passed without a sweat.


	6. The Forest of Death

_(AN: Dear reader, I'm sorry if it wasn't clear that Magical Girl Sasuke-chan is, in fact, physically a girl, as far as we know. I just thought it'd be silly if he was still referred to as 'he' and considered himself gay. If that's too confusing, I'll henceforth refer to Sasuke as 'she' when he is in his magical girl form. What she has down there is probably best left up to the imagination, for now at least.)_

Uchiha Jon-sama, Sakura-chan, Hinata-chan, and Magical Girl Sasuke-chan were sexily all making out together, except Sasuke-chan, because she was embaressed, so she was blushing, which was cute, so all was good as she cutely made out with them.

"We've got shit to do," Jon said.

"Right, Jon-sama!" the other three said in unison.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke-chan, but from here on out it is only Babe-sensei's team. You need to get back to Naruto and the creepy bug man." Jon looked sadly at Sasuke-chan. He liked Magical Girl Sasuke-chan much better than that pathetic Sasuke.

"Y-yeah, Jon-sama," Sasuke said gloomily.

"Don't worry, baby, we'll see each other soon, I promise." The two made out for a little bit without the inclusion of the other two. Hinata and Sakura respected this, due to the tragic circumstances.

"Bye, Sasuke-chan!" the two said in unison. And with that, Magical Girl Sasuke-chan ran away sadly.

"It's too bad about Kiba," Hinata said.

"I always knew that guy was trouble, but pushing steroids on little kids?" Sakura added.

"Yes, drugs are never the answer to ninja problems. Keep them to recreational purposes only," Jon declared wisely.

"You're so wise, Jon-sama!" The two girls said, nodding cutely. They were so cute Jon just had to make out with them some more, so he did, and they were happy for awhile. Jon then got serious with his face, and the girls knew shit had to be done. "Right!" they said in unison, cutely, and Jon just had to make out with them, so he did. But this was no time for making out, so Jon ran away, and the girls chased after him, shouting, "Jon-sama! Wait for us!" But he didn't, but that was okay, because soon he got to the gate of the Forest of Death, and so did they.

There was already a bunch of people there, maybe even the Third Hokage! Jon didn't care though, because Babe-sensei was there, and there was even a second Babe-sensei! Jon could sense something dark and kinky about the purple haired Babe-sensei. He hit on her, but she told him to stop, despite her blushing. She yelled at him and threated to stab him with kunai, which kinda scared Jon, cause he temporarily forgot he was overpowered, so he stopped and listened to the boring stuff that was being said pertaining to how this stage of the Chunin Exam would be conducted. But being bored was not for him, cause he had shit to do like take the Chunin Exam, so he gleamed and all the information went into everyone's brains, but no one acted like anything strange had happened. That skill did make his eyes bleed, though, and some creepy white-faced dude, or chick, started staring at him and licking his or her lips with a giant tongue. Jon shivered.

"Jon-sama! Are you okay?" Sakura and Hinata asked in unison, because Jon was very important to them.

"Yeah, babes, I'll be fine. It's just an allergic reaction to our awesomeness. I can sense how much better we are than the other teams."

"Oh! That makes sense," Sakura said.

"Our polygamy is truly something of legend, but I feel bad for Magical Girl Sasuke-chan. I wish she could be with us," Hinata added.

"Hmm, yes. Maybe we can form a truce with her group, or something," Jon said wisely.

"Yes, why didn't we think of that?" the two girls said. "You're so wise, Jon-sama," they said wisely, because it was wise to recognize wisdom.

"That's very wise of you to say," Jon had to compliment, otherwise he would no longer be wise, but he wasn't aware of the rule, it was just in his nature, for if one tries to be wise, they aren't being wise, even if they are generally wise. From that level of wisdom, a ding was heard and Jon began to glow. When the light faded lightning was shooting out of his face. He had earned a beard made out of chidori! But Jon didn't want to stand out, so he put his beard away.

"Uchiha Jon!" Babe-sensei shouted, but not the scary purple haired one. Jon startled and whipped around. Babe-sensei's modestly huge breasts were in his face!

"Woah, awesome!" Jon muffled. Babe-sensei did a ninja backflip which somehow didn't kick Jon in the face. Jon wondered why this was at all necessary to begin with, because there was no reason for Babe-sensei to have snuck up so closely behind him. "Well, whatever. What's up, Kurenai-sensei?"

"Uchiha Jon! Where is your ninja headband? This is the Chunin Exams! You need to rep!"

"Aw, but Kurenai-sensei, it is so tacky! And not really very ninja-like if you're gunna just, say, hang it at your hip. Won't that get in the way?"

"Just do it, Uchiha Jon!"

"Fine, whatever." Jon loosely tied it over his ass. Babe-sensei gave him a look, sighing.

"Well, you three. I don't really know what I've taught you, and you're quite a bunch of genin, but your my genin, and I believe in you! Now go out there and find that other scroll!"

"Yeah!" they shouted, giving thumbs up. Lee saw this and appeared, giving his own thumbs up. Babe-sensei's three resigned to never do it again.

"Hey, Sakura!" Lee said, trying to charm with a tooth sparkle and wink.

"Augh, uh, hi, Lee," Sakura replied sassily with mild disgust, but either because of Lee's hopefulness, or blind youthfulness, he didn't seem to notice.

"Sakura-chan! If I become a chunin, will you go out on a date with me?"

"Ack, no! I'm a lesbian!" Sakura replied sexily, winking at Hinata. Hinata giggled. It was all very sexy and cute, so Jon, Hinata, and Sakura made out. Lee was very confused, and ran away.

"Oh, hey! It's Magical Girl Sasuke-chan and her group!" Hinata pointed out. Sasuke waved "yo" and smiled, and her group began to walk over, except Shino kind of stayed back, and Kakashi-sensei was already gone. When Hinata saw Naruto she blushed. Jon scowled and got near her.

"Don't shake the fox boy's hand! He's dirty!" Jon whispered to Hinata.

"Jon-sama, that's not nice!" Hinata wailed.

"No, seriously. He wipes his ass with his hands," Jon whispered.

"W-what?!" Hinata looked horrified and hid behind Jon.

"Hey, Sasuke-chan," Jon said coolly, putting his hands in his pockets, blushing, and rubbing the toe of his ninja shoe into the dirt.

"Jon-kun," Sasuke whispered, because she now had the dignity to not call him sama. They embraced like they hadn't seen each other in a long time.

"Sasuke-chan, my woman," Jon began, saying it like 'my dude' and not like possessively. "We were thinking we should make a truce with your group, and stick together!"

Sasuke's face lit up, and so did Naruto's. Jon remembered how Naruto said he was always lonely, and liked talking to Jon, despite Jon not really liking Naruto, but Jon was a nice guy, so he was glad that Naruto was happy. "That sounds great, Jon!" Naruto said.

"Yeah!" everyone else exclaimed, but not quite in unison, except Sakura and Hinata were in unison, and making out. Also, Shino did not say anything. Jon noted he was doing sneaky things with bugs.

Later, the group of six stumbled upon Gaara's group harassing the Rain group. They hid in the brush to observe the Sand and Rain ninja. "That's the guy who was a total jerk," Sasuke told Jon sultrily, narrowing her Uchiha eyes.

"Oh?" Jon questioned, but he already knew that.

Suddenly, Gaara killed one of the Rain ninja! A lot of the group, aside from Jon, clamped their hands over their mouth, except Naruto, who shouted, "what the hell, Gaara! You can't do that!" Everyone shot Naruto a look, except Jon, who wasn't intimidated. Gaara, Kankoro, and Temari turned towards the noise.

"Who's there?" Kankuro shouted. "Come out or die!" he said evilly. Temari was smirking and readying her giant fan. An intense evil was in Gaara's eyes, and he licked his lips.

Jon stepped forward. The other two Rain ninja tried to run away, but Gaara's sand grabbed them sadistically by the legs. Jon made two lightning guns out of his chakra, and shot lightning at Gaara. Kankoro's puppets were too slow to block it, and Temari's wind didn't really do anything. The lightning pierced Gaara's Ultimate Defense, so he had to quickly raise a sand wall, thus dropping the two Rain ninja, but not before exploding their legs! Jon's group ran out of the brush.

Suddenly, Jon was in front of Kankoro and he karate chopped him in the neck, knocking him out. He did the same to Temari. Then he performed some hand seals and sealed Gaara into his own gourd! Some of Jon's group, like Naruto, ran forward, and Hianta and Sakura were gasping. Jon's eyes then gleamed. Everyone but Jon stopped, motionless. Blood poured out of Jon's face. He used some of it to make a summoning circle, performed a ritual, and the giant raven appeared. He tied Gaara's gourd to it, and it flew away.

Jon then shot electricity out of his body, killing the bugs Shino had placed on him. He then ran far away before releasing his plot power genjutsu.

 _Okay, all missions here nearly accomplished,_ Jon thought. He ran, and ran until he came to see the second Babe-sensei and the creepy snake-man-girl-thing fighting. Jon rummaged through his backpack and took out the anbu mask and put it on. He swooped in shooting chidoris at the creepy person.

 _(AN: We all know its Orochimaru, so I'm just gunna refer to the creepy dude as Orochimaru from now on.)_

Orochimaru leapt back, and Jon swooped over to Anko, karate chopping her in the neck. "Yo," he said to Orochimaru. He tried to gleam Orochimaru, but he had recently abused the power, so just like a ton of blood shot out of his eyes. Orochimaru looked startled and scared for a moment, then began to chuckle.

"And just who might you be?" he asked.

"I can't tell you that," Jon said in his Hokage voice to throw Orochimaru off, or maybe because he was being Split Personality. "Grand Chidori," he said, and launched his strongest destructive jutsu at Orochimaru. Orochimaru looked very surprised, and got hit! The attack obliterated half his body, but Orochimari shed his skin like a snake, except not really, cause snakes don't work that way. He recovered his physical damage at the expense of chakra.

 _(AN: I think. I'm not really sure how Orochimaru works, but when he does this stuff it looks like it causes him a lot of stress. Don't really remember anymore. Orochimaru wasn't explored very well considering all the hype, eh? He just kinda got sidelined.)_

"Damn! That was my strongest jutsu! Now I'm almost out of chakra!" Jon shouted smartly.

"Why would you tell me that?" Orochimaru laughed stupidly, giving Jon just the time he needed to hit a button in his backpack. Suddenly, Magical Girl Sasuke-chan appeared!

Sasuke and Jon's dude-bro connection made her instantly recognize that Jon was being a sneaky guy and didn't want Orochimaru to know his identiy. "You require my help?" she asked, blushing.

"Hell, yeah, Sasuke-chan! This dude was harassing Babe-sensei, but not our Babe-sensei!"

"Anko?"

"Yeah, that's the one!"

"Wait, did you say Sasuke-chan?" Orochimaru rhetoricted. "That's Sasuke-kun? What happened to him?"

"Shut up, villain!" Sasuke shouted, giving off an awesome magical girl pose with her wand raised in the air. "Be destroyed!"

"Do it, Sasuke!" encouraged Jon, giving a thumbs up.

"Fire Style: Magical Love Light Hope!" A beam of light shot out of the top of the wand and hit off the sun, then a ray of fire light bounced to the moon, bounced off the moon, came down to Earth, and disintegrated most of Orochimaru. But Orochimaru survived because he did his snake stuff!

"Curses!" Orochimaru shouted. "What kind of jutsu is that?"

"Shit!" Jon shouted. "We only have one option now! Strip off the magical girl outfit, Sasuke!"

"Right!" Magical Girl Sasuke said, stripping and becoming Dude Sasuke again. Sasuke ran over to Jon. Jon made sure Sasuke was right infront of him, so Orochimaru wouldn't be able to see his face, then lifted up the anbu mask. They nodded at each other and began making out while sharinganing into each other's souls. Once enough gay friction was built up Jon pulled away.

"Now, turn back into Magical Girl Sasuke-chan!" Jon said epically.

"Right!" Sasuke nodded, then dressed in the magical girl outfit.

 _(AN: When he puts the magical girl clothes on his regular clothes disappear, and when she takes the clothes off, his regular clothes reappear. He/she is only naked very briefly, but the magical girl light blurs it out!)_

Jon went really close to Magical Girl Sasuke, pressing up so they were side by side, cheeks touching. He wrapped one arm around her waist, and placed his other hand over her wand hand. They raised the wand into the air together. "Now!" they both shouted. Lots of colors started shooting out of them, and there were sparkles and bubbles and tons of other light-based stuff.

"What the hell am I witnessing?" Orochimaru asked.

"Shut up, you basic heterosexual fag!" Jon and Sasuke shouted. "The power of gay friction is stronger than friendship, but the power of gay friendship is strongest! Screw every heterosexual everywhere! Extreme Equality Rainbow Beam of Love!" The same thing began to happen as it did before, but it was way more epic and way stronger than before. Orochimaru was super obliterated, but Jon saw a snake slither away.

Jon walked over to the crater where Orochimaru use to be, found an orb, and pocketed it. Then he walked back to Sasuke and they made out for a super long time. It was really sexy, and they exchanged a lot of saliva, but not too much, and in mild proportions, because it was sexy, but they made out for a long time.


	7. Changes and Reality

Jon and Sasuke were shaded from the falling sun by the branches of a small tree. They had found a quiet, relatively open place near a river. Sasuke was cuddled up against Jon's chest. She looked up at him, and asked, "you don't really believe that, do you, Jon-kun?" Jon brought a hand to Sasuke's cheek and leaned close, looking into her eyes. They shared a soft kiss.

"Of course not, Sasuke-chan. It's strange that our magic is powered by contemporary political irony, but I love both our heterosexual, and homosexual relationship," Jon told her. Sasuke smiled. She wrapped her arms around him, and placed her head against his chest. _Though, when it comes to your personality, it is for very different reasons_ , Jon thought.

"Shouldn't we be getting back to the others?" she asked. "They must be worried."

"I don't think so. They're probably on their way to us, and this area is plentiful with fish," Jon replied. He placed his hands behind his head and looked up at the green leaves, and the pink shining through them.

"How are they going to find us? Hinata's Byakugan isn't infinite."

"Shino bugged us all. If what I know about the Aburame clan is true, they should be here soon enough."

"He did that?"

"I'd of thought, as his teammate, you'd of already realized that." A breeze rustled the leaves, and Jon glanced down at the top of Sasuke's head. He gently ran a hand through her hair, then grazed down one of the long tails with his fingertips.

"No, I haven't. I guess I've been distracted. Why wouldn't he just tell us?"

"I can't really say, but their techniques are pretty secretive, so as a ninja, and a teammate, he probably didn't see the need to. Your sharingan should be able to detect them, now that you're aware."

Sasuke's breathing had changed, and Jon realized she had fallen asleep. He shut his eyes, too.

Jon opened his eyes to darkness and the sound of a scream. "What the hell was that?" Sasuke asked. He felt her get up, and he stood, then shot a chidori blade at a couple tree branches. There was a second cry. "Was that Hinata?" Sasuke caught the branches and lit them using a fire jutsu. She handed one to Jon and began to walk towards the noise. Jon followed.

"I hope not," he uttered, thinking about her early release from the hospital.

As they grew closer to where the sound came from, they heard another cry. "That's definitely Hinata," Sasuke said. Jon didn't want to believe it. Finally, their makeshift torches revealed Sakura, Hinata, Naruto, and Shino. Sakura helping Hinata walk, but when she saw Jon, she glared and gently gave Hinata to Shino and Naruto.

"Jon!" she screached, trudging her way over to him. She slapped him across the face. "Where were you all this time?! Having fun with Sasuke?!"

"W-what happened to Hinata?" he asked.

"We were ambushed. She could barley defend herself!" Sakura explained.

"I-I..."

"Sakura, please stop. It wasn't his fault," Hinata said, her voice shaking. She was bruised and swollen, and there was blood stains in her clothes and hair.

"Like hell it wasn't!" Sakura raised her voice, but then looked at Hinata. Sadness filled her eyes. "This is the second time he abandoned his team, and the second time something terrible happened to you."

"I'm sorry Sakura, Hinata, I won't let it happen again."

"I didn't blame you last time, because that was different, but this time...where did you go? Why did you leave us? What was even going on with those Sand and Rain ninja?" Sakura asked.

"Are they okay?"

"We did what we could for those two Rain ninja, but we had to leave them when we were attacked," Sakura replied. "Now answer my questions!"

"He was helping Anko-sensei," Sasuke said. Sakura turned to her.

"And just how did he know Anko-sensei needed help?" Sakura asked. Sasuke had no answer to that. "Jon?" Sakura got up in her face.

"I can't say," Jon said, glancing away.

"Tell me, now! Hianta almost died!"

"I can't!" Jon yelled.

"Why the hell was Hinata even allowed out of the hospital if she wasn't healed?!" Sakura yelled. "Don't think we're so stupid that we're unaware that something strange is going on around you!"

"Stop it! Just stop it!" he shouted, activating his mangekyou sharingan. Everyone went still, and silent. After a moment, Sakura looked relaxed. "We have enough scrolls for both of ours teams, don't we? We should head to the destination as soon as possible and get Hinata treatment."

"Yeah," Sakura said. She looked a little confused.


	8. Uchiha Jon's Spooky Halloween Special!

The Halloween moon was nigh high in the slimy sinister sky. How is a sky slimy, one may ask? Well, my dear reader, just think of a spooky, muggy night, one full of spiders, bats, candy corn, and serial murders. Spooky, scary, slimy, slithering serial murders!

"Now hold on a bloody blooming moment right there, " Jon Uchiha said. _(AN: He's actually played by a British actor.)_ "I've got to put an end to this! You're reusing the same adjectives in this very opinionated over description here. And enough with the f-cking alliteration!" _(AN: The Brits love to curse.)_

Right, as I was saying, the night was spooky and Uchiha Jon was getting into his really gay pirate costume, because ancient Japan didn't know horror, which is where _Naruto_ takes place. _(AN: I know Naruto has like trains and phones and stuff, but take that up with Toriyama.)_

"I'm not gay!" yelled Uchiha Jon.

"I thought you were the actor?" the narrator asked.

"Buggahs, no! I'm Jon. Uchiha Jon. The real last of the Uchiha."

"Well, this is all very confusing and perhaps too meta for me, so I'm going to carry on."

Jon sighed. "Just what makes me a gay pirate, might I ask?"

Uchiha Jon had a penguin instead of a parrot, because they are the gayest of birds since they can't fly _and_ wait on others.

"That's offensive!" Jon yelled at the narrator. "I think? Isn't it a stereotype of women to be submissive, not gay dudes?"

"And who cuts women's hair?" asked the narrator.

"Okay, so yeah, this is either offensive and/or you are completely undermining your 'spooky' atmosphere here."

Uchiha Jon dyed his hair the color of a rainbow and made a rainbow chidori beard. He also rode in a pirate ship called "The Booty Plunderer."

"That's not necessarily gay."

"Colon The Search for Gay Ass." He also wore very posh clothes, so he didn't much look like a pirate, but he had a bandana that was very gay and he wore a ton of earrings on his left year, which is the gay ear because the left is the sign of the devil.

"This is really offensive stereotyping. Please stop."

"Aren't you normally not a very stereotypical gay character? So can't you do some gay dude stuff?"

"English isn't your first language, is it?"

"Nani?"

"It's not Japanese, either."

"Porque, Uchiha Jon?"

"Because what?"

"Not porque, _por que_."

"That's not what you wrote."

"Who cares? It's what you heard."

"I'm leaving now," Jon said, walking out of his house and carrying his pirate boat, which was like 40 feet long, so it wasn't a very big pirate boat.

He met up with Sakura, who was also a pirate. "What, you're kidding me?" Then he met up with Hinata, who was also a pirate. "Really now? Is that all you can think of, or do you just have a thing for making ninjas into pirates?" In fact, everyone was a pirate, except Naruto who was too poor to afford a costume so he put a microwavable ramen cup on his head instead.

"You should have just thrown him into some soap," Jon Uchiha said.

"Who are you talking to, Jon-kun?" asked Uchiha Sasuke.

"You...you don't hear it?"

"Don't hear what, Jon-sama?" asked Hinata Hyuuga.

"N-nothing," Jon stammered. Suddenly, he thought he was crazy. Wasn't he part of a story? Then why couldn't the other characters hear the narration when he could? The thoughts were tormenting Jon so much that he tried to kill himself, but not in a suicidal way. It was like a reflex or something. Anyway, he couldn't die though, cause some tea drinking buggers might think that'd be an example of the 'Bury Your Gays' trope, so Jon was above character death.

Then Jon died.

The End.


	9. RIP Uchiha Jon

_(AN: In case anyone saw a previous chapter 9 that was briefly up yesterday, I took it down because I quickly realized I didn't like some of it.)_

"Jon-kun?!" Sasuke shouted as she cradled the body of her tormented lover. Hot tears poured down her cheeks. "Jon-kun!"

"What is going on?" Hinata asked, peering over. She was a ways away, still being helped by Shino and Naruto.

"It appears Jon has died," Sakura explained. "And I'm now the straight man, by the way."

"What, how?" Hinata cried. Tears flooded the ground.

"Because the author wanted to introduce new elements into the story, I'd imagine."

"No, I mean how did he die?" she asked, wiping tears away. Hinata started sinking into the mud, so Shino and Naruto pulled her away from it.

"Uh, I guess it happened in the Halloween special."

"That wasn't filler?!"

"Obviously," Sakura said.

"So, can we hear the narration, too, now?" Hinata asked, panicking. Her expression grew desperate as she looked around. "Byakugan!"

"Obviously not." The whole time, Sasuke had been crying, and was now nearly drowned. Sakura walked over to her and tried to pull her out, but she was too heavy. "You're going to have to let go."

"What?! No way! I won't let Jon-kun be buried like this!" Sasuke shook her head and knocked Sakura's arm away. Sakura punched Sasuke across the face.

"Get the hell up, Sasuke!" Sakura shouted. Sasuke rubbed her cheek, looking up at Sakura as she tried to grab onto Sasuke's arm again. "You're not going to die for no reason!"

"It's not for no reason! I won't give up!" Sasuke shoved Sakura away, then pulled on Jon's sinking body with all her might while inching towards the edge of the mud. She yanked on him, trying to get his body onto solid ground. It was no use. "C'mon! Naruto! Shino! Help me!"

Shino shook his head "no." He was busy playing with bugs.

"Sasuke," Naruto said. "I'm sorry, but what is the difference now? Are we just going to drag his body around, or just bury him anyways? Let him go."

"I won't!" the tears just kept running, making her struggle even harder. "He's not gone! I've got him right here! Why won't any of you see that?! This is nonsense! How can he just be dead?! Don't any of you see that it doesn't make any sense?! How can he be alive one moment, then just gone! Is life just going to leave him behind as if he didn't even matter?!" Sasuke could no longer cry. "Mom...dad..." She slumped her chest against the solid ground beyond the mud. Sakura knelt down and rubbed her back.

"It'll be okay," she said, reaching over to Sasuke's arm, and pulling it out of the mud. Sasuke must of let go. "He wouldn't want you to die, too."

 _(AN: Well, that got serious, and somehow the absurdity going on doesn't take away from it. I suppose that is what truly separates literature from visual mediums. Or maybe I'm just crazy.)_

Suddenly, Jon jumped out of the mud. "Damn narcolepsy."

And everyone was happy, and had a really emotional moment, and everyone made out a lot, except Naruto because he wasn't allowed to, and Shino only made out with bugs.

 _(AN: Haha. I just had to ground the story a little bit, because that Halloween special was just so absurd I couldn't get it out of my system otherwise.)_


	10. Death in the Forest of Death!

"Sakura-chan," Uchiha Jon said, looking at the back of the girl as they walked through the Forest of Death towards the end goal.

"What is it, loser?" Sakura snapped, her voice dripping with toxicity. She and Hinata were holding hands. After Jon recovered, he taught Sasuke how to amplify Sakura's healing magic, and they cured Hinata of her bruises and internal bleeding. The spell seemed to have made Sakura a bitch towards Jon, though.

 _Still with that, huh?_ Jon thought. Even though Jon and Sakura made out a lot _(AN: Angry make out sessions?)_ , she still talked to him like he was a nerd in an anime, and she the yankee. Actually, Sakura's outbursts were getting more and more frequent, so frequent and explosive that Jon was beginning to worry she was becoming a psychopath. The utter hatred in her eyes would only go away while she bathed with Hinata. _(AN: Let's just call why Jon knows this a "plot hole.")_

"Sakura, please give Jon-kun a break," Hinata said. He had been stripped of his godhood even from Hinata. Jon suspected that Sakura convinced her to do it.

 _Damn Sakura, who does she think she is? I worked so hard to get everything going my way. Well, okay, no, I didn't, but you still have no right to ruin everything for me!_

Poor Jon. Just a couple days ago he had three girlfriends and a boyfriend that were all completely dedicated to him. Now, just because he accidently nearly got one of his teammates killed for the second time, one of his girlfriends was being a total bitch.

"No way, Hinata, that jerk isn't going to learn any other way. You shouldn't be so easy on him."

 _Pfft. Calling the savior of all ninja-kind a jerk? Whatever._ Jon knew the two things weren't really related, but he was conveniently an idiot and didn't care.

"Don't worry, Jon-kun, I still love you," Sasuke said sexily. Jon and Sasuke made out a bit.

"Thank you, Sasuke-chan," Jon whispered.

"I still love him, too!" Hinata said sweetly.

"Since when did you get the confidence to say such things?" Sakura asked.

"I mean, 'I-I...I still l-love him, too!'" Hinata retorted.

"I feel so left out. Can I join in?" Naruto asked.

"No!" everyone yelled, except Shino, who offered Naruto a stag beetle after he licked it a bit.

"Can we please kick Shino out of the group?" Naruto whimpered. Jon was torn. He also wanted Shino to go away, because no one cared about that guy, but he enjoyed how Shino and his bugs made Naruto uneasy, even if it was that same thing that brought everyone else, including himself, uneasiness.

"We can't just kick him out," Sakura said. "We're not bad teammates," she hissed, glancing back at Jon. "Just make out with his bugs a bit and shut him up."

Naruto whimpered some more. "Do I have to?"

"No, Naruto, please don't," Jon said. "Don't listen to Sakura. She's PMSing."

"WHAT THE HELL, JON?!" Sakura yelled, then turned around and decked him in the face.

"Worth it," Jon said, rubbing his cheek. "Seriously, Naruto. Don't make out with bugs. You've got enough problems."

"I think Jon-kun might be right," Hinata said, looking at Naruto and sniffing at the air.

Jon and Sasuke started making out again, and Naruto cried louder. Then Jon heard what sounded like a punch. "Stop it, damn it, you're a ninja!" Naruto cried.

Just then, a shit ton of ninjas jumped out of the trees and started attacking. Jon readied his chidori guns, and started firing, but it wasn't enough! Naruto made a ton of clones but they were stupid weak little things and then Naruto wasted all his chakra so he got kicked in the balls and flew into a tree. Sasuke was doing Fire Style stuff and throwing kunai and such, and was doing pretty well cause Sasuke was super cool like that and a genius. Shino was doing bug stuff and some guys went down, so that was good. Really, Naruto was such a disappointment. Anyhow, Sakura was also pretty useless. She just threatened people with a kunai until Jon told her to infuse the kunai with some of her magic and she threw it at a dude and he exploded so hard that part of him landed in a tree. His umbilical cord wrapped around a branch then slothed off of it and landed on Naruto. Naruto freaked the f out, then fainted. Hinata was doing pretty well, since she was healed and all, and was all gently fisting some dudes. _Awesome_ thought Jon as he came some at their side, shooting a ton of wiry electric at them.

But then it got way worse! One of the ninja turned into a tyrannosaurus-rex and ate Shino! _(AN: No joke! It was huge.)_

"Oh shit!" yelled Jon. "Shino is dead!" Everyone gasped, except Shino, cause he was dead.

But then the T-Rex exploded, bugs flying everywhere. Shino was alive! He was standing on a pillar of bugs with his arms crossed looking all badass, but then he started making out with his bugs. Naruto vomited and Jon wanted to too but he was too busy being a badass shooting chidori guns at tons of ninjas. But soon, his chakra was nearly depleted!

"Shit! Sasuke, my girl, turn into my dude!" Jon yelled to Sasuke, and Sasuke did.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Sakura shouted. "Magical Girl Sasuke-chan is Sasuke?!"

Hinata gasped.

"Uh, no duh," Naruto sassed, wiping his mouth of vomit. He smiled, and laughed. This was the first time in his life he knew something before someone else. But his laughter made him choke on some of the vomit around his mouth, so he vomited some more. Suddenly, Naruto began to glow red and shit and his features became monstrous and all, and he spoke in a deep voice, "I've had enough of this brat!" Naruto thrashed around trying to fight off the possession of the kyuubi, but he couldn't, so he rampaged around, and nearly killed Sakura!

"The hell you will!" Jon yelled and bicycle kicked kyuubi Naruto across the face, sending him clear over the horizon. Jon then wondered why he wasn't just kicking folks, but whatever. "Sasuke!" he yelled.

"Jon-kun!" Sasuke yelled.

"Sasuke!"

"Jon-kun!"

"Sasuke!"

"WHAT?!" Sakura yelled.

Everyone gasped and turned to Sakura. "Chill out, Gosh," they said.

Anyhow, Sasuke and Jon began building up gay friction by making out and sharinganing off each other's eye souls. Then Sasuke turned back into Magical Girl Sasuke-chan. "Time to reveal a new ability! Follow my lead, Sasuke," Jon yelled, jumping onto Sasuke's shoulders. "Gay Friction Style: Seme Milky Wave Motion - Sasuke, it's your line now."

"Oh, okay. Uke Splash?" And with those magic words, a giant rainbow of white flooded the area and drowned all the evil ninja, but not Jon's friends, cause it was magic.

"Wow, killing sure works up an appetite," Jon joked. Everyone laughed.

"Um, Jon-kun," Sakura said. Jon turned around. Sakura was blushing. "Thanks for saving me!" she squealed, then brought her hands up to her cheeks and giggled while shaking her butt. It was kinda weird, but something about it turned Jon on.

"No prob, babe," he responded with a smile.

Just then, Naruto returned, then vomited when he noticed Shino was still making out with bugs. Honestly, the whole area was smelling pretty bad, so everyone ran off, leaving Shino behind.

"So, we're gunna just forget about Shino, right?" Naruto asked.

"Eh, yeah, I guess," Jon responded. "If he catches up with us, fine."

But then the atmosphere got really dark, and Jon thought he might be in a horror movie. Creepy music played and as they pushed back some brush there was...Shino! But this wasn't just any Shino. No, he had giant bugs with him now like foot long beetles and ants and centipedes. A lot of bugs were having sex with each other and Shino had a creepy grin underneath his hood and glasses.

Everyone but Shino fainted.

When Jon awoke, a ton of bugs were on his body having sex! Jon shot lightning out of his body, but his magic reserves were still low, so it only zapped them. Most ran off. "Shino! Cut this out!" he demanded.

"No!" Shino bellowed. "I'm tired of you all making fun of my life style! Now die!"

"Then I have no choice!" Jon grinned. "This doesn't make me happy at all. I'm super sad," he said, smiling. Then Jon shot a Grand Chidori at Shino and obliterated him.

So, they made it to the end and all, but this time around there wasn't as many ninja who survived, so there wasn't any preliminary matches. Sadly, Sasuke and Naruto didn't pass cause Shino was dead. Jon sold their scrolls for some candy or something stupid like that.


	11. The Fifth Hokage

"For; saving; Anko; by; defeating; Orochimaru; and; for; killing; that; hentai; Shino; we; award; you; the; greatest; honor; Konoha; has; to; give;: the; Medal; of; Ninja; Heroism," the Third Hokage said. Jon bowed as Anko placed the medal around his neck and give him a kiss on the cheek. She was super blushing.

"Thanks again for saving me, Jon-san," Anko said.

"No prob, babe," Jon said, grabbing her and tilting her hard, then planting a kiss on her lips.

"Jon-san, we can't..."

"I know, babe, I know, but this is a time for celebration, so lets forget all that and party!"

"Yes; Jon-kun; you; are; right," the Third said. "But; first; I; would; like; to; announce; that; I; am; stepping; down; as; Hokage; and; putting; your; name; forward; as; replacement. You; will; become; the; youngest; Hokage; ever," he added.

"Woah, oh my Gosh," Jon said, flustering. "I can't accept that. That is way too much," he added modestly.

"I'm; way; too; old; and; should; have; retired; some; time; ago. Though; I; be; the; strongest; Konoha; ninja; and; don't; tell; this; to; anyone; I have; a; weak; hip; so; rain; and; water; jutsu; really; sucks; on; it."

"Still, may I make a request?" Jon asked.

"And; what; may; that; be?" retorted the Third, wisely. He then lit up a couple cigarettes and offered one to Jon.

"Uh, I'm only a kid, dude," Jon said, shaking his head.

"Right; right; I; forgot. You; sure; though? They're; menthol."

"Yeah, ouji-sama. I'm sure."

"Anyways; what; is; it?"

"I think we should have an election open to the public. Let's make Konoha a true democracy!" Everyone gasped, except Jon and the Third.

"I; was; right; about; you," the Third said, smiling like an old man. "You; truly; are; a; special; dude."

For a while, Jon was running unopposed, so he didn't bother revealing his platform. But then one day a mysterious dude in a black cloak with red clouds appeared and declared he was going to run for President of Konoha!

Jon called him out though, cause a dude who would be Konoha's president had to reveal himself to the people. Everyone thought this was a wise thing to say so they took out their notepads and made it a law.

The man in the dress said, "Okay, I guess that is fine then," and unhid his face from underneath his race farmer hat. It was...Itachi!

Everyone gasped, except Sasuke who got wicked mad and tried to kill Itachi, but Itachi was too strong. He kung-fu kicked Sasuke across the tits and she flew into a fire hydrant. When Sasuke didn't turn back into a dude, Itachi was like, "What happened to you, brother? My sharingan says you are Sasuke, but..."

"I'm Magical Girl Sasuke-chan! One of Jon-kun's lovers! He empowered to me the magical power of femininity, friendship, and sunlight sparkle bubbles!"

Itachi's eyes started to bleed.

"The mangekou sharingan?!" Jon gasped, starting to feel very much afraid.

"No. An aneurism," Itachi said. "What you have done to my brother...I'm not sure of, but what he just said was so stupid...I...argh!" And Itachi died. Jon was smart about it, though, so he stole Itachi's eyes and threw them at Sasuke.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sasuke laughed, and laughed. "Finally, my revenge! And ultimate power!"

But Itachi wasn't really dead! It was a shadow clone!

"Fools," Itachi twerked. "Just who do you think I am?"

"Uchiha Itachi," Jon said.

"Y-yes..."

"Anyhow, you can't run for president! You're a terrorist!"

"Hah! That is where you're wrong! I have diplomatic immunity!" Itachi proclaimed.

Everyone gasped.

"Is that true?" Sasuke asked the Third.

"It; is," Third replied.

Sasuke grew really angry, her face fuming and red with steam pouring out of her ears. "When was anyone going to tell me this?"

"I'm; sorry; Sasuke," was the only thing the Third said.

And thus the debates began.

"Itachi Uchiha, how will you improve Konoha?" Kurenai asked. She was wearing a wicked revealing bathing suit cause Konoha had no idea how to run presidential elections so they did it at a beach.

"Uh, well," Itachi began, pulling down some cool sunglasses. "You see, I'm like a genius ninja. Such so that I murdered my entire clan." Dude Sasuke began to cry. "Well, except my little brother. Sorry I forgot about you, bro."

"Uchiha Jon. Same question?"

"Well," Jon began, much more manly than Itachi, "I am running on a clean streets initiative. You see, I've noticed a ton of garbage in the streets, and we don't really seem to have the best trash collection system as it is. In fact, I don't even know how we get by, what with all our packaged goods, plastic, and machinery, yet no dump. In fact, the only time we see anything verging on a realistic way to deal with a society as advanced as ours is in filler, but I don't count that, cause that's stupid. So yeah, I don't even know what the ninja council really gets done. I guess it just plots and schemes and decides who will be attacked and who will be friends? Who makes the day to day decisions that effect the common populace? It's not like we're all ninja and this isn't strictly a farming/military state. So, like, I'm declaring that our town makes more sense, and we'll start by cleaning up the streets!"

"Interesting response, young Jon-kun," Kurenai said. "Just how do you intend to accomplish this?"

"Well, everyone caught polluting will be forced to live in a special section of the town where they will get none of the benefits of our new programs."

"I object!" Itachi yelled. "That is insane!"

"This isn't a courtroom," Kurenai retorted, sexily, shaking her massive breasts in the process. Well, she wasn't shaking them, it was more like the new high def jiggle physics that were.

"Actually," the Third began, "I; think; it; is; just; insane; enough; to; work."

Everyone aside from Itachi clapped, and Jon didn't either, cause he was humble. Kurenai's breasts were glorious.

And thus, Jon was made Hokage. But what of Itachi? Forget about him for a moment. No one really knew what to do with him, anyways.

Anyhow, Jon returned home. There was a package waiting for him and inside were two more orbs and a bunch of cash. "Yes! Hahahaha! Now I have all seven Dragon Balls!"


	12. Dragon Ball Land

"Eternal Dragon!" shouted Uchiha Jon. "Arise, or rise, or whatever!" The sky went dark and there was lightning and some houses exploded cause the Naruto world wasn't ready to handle the awesomeness of eternity.

"What's going on?" Sakura shouted, running over out of nowhere.

Jon was in a field just outside of the town of Konoha when he summoned the dragon. People started swarming around. "What's going on?" a lot of them asked, or said something similar.

"I'm sorry everyone, but I must leave for a while," Jon explained.

"But you're the Hokage! You can't just leave!" Sakura shouted.

"Sakura-chan, this is for the benefit of all ninja everywhere. Trust me, please. This has been what everything has been for..."

"W-what? What do you mean by that, Jon-kun? Are you saying that...that we all...me, Hinata, Sasuke, Kurenai-sensei...Konoha...we were all just pawns?"

"Well, when you put it that way, it kinda sounds pretty bad, but like, you weren't disposable...well, you were, but I still didn't want anything bad to happen to you all, and not just because you were useful!"

A little girl ran up to Jon-kun and tugged on shorts. "Thank you, Hokage-sama. Because of you my filthy parents drowned in their own garbage," she said, smiling.

A lot of people nodded in agreement. "The streets have been so much better, and we have so much more money now since you gave back all the dead's money to the taxpayers!"

"It's just what I do," Jon said.

"Um, Jon-sama," boomed a timid voice. "I don't mean to interrupt, but could you make your wish?"

"Shut up, Shenlong, I have shit to do, _with words_ ," Jon replied nicely.

"Oh-oh, terribly sorry," said the Dragon.

"Jon-kun...if you love me, you'll take me with you!" Sakura said, blushing with her arms behind her back, head tilted, and rubbing the toe of a shoe into the dirt. It was super exaggerated and dramatic, but Jon had stopped caring about such things cause he had wishes to make. She was also wearing a yellow dress with orange pants and a plaid skirt, and had twenty hairpins in her hair that were tons of different colors and some had animals on them like rabbits or crocodiles.

Jon was wearing shorts and a custom made Hokage cape, and nothing else, cause he had to live up to everyone's demands that he be super badass, which none ever said, cause he was the Hokage, but he knew it to be true in their hearts. His face was also lit up with chidori beard. Jon grabbed Sakura and kissed her deeply.

"Jon...Jon-kun," she whispered. "T-that tickles," she giggled, blushing more. Jon made out with her a long time, until he noticed that the dragon was watching them a little too closely. Like, he was right up there that Jon could feel his breathing, which was kinda weird cause it shouldn't need to breath, but it has a nose, so it probably does.

"Uh, um, uh, your wish?" the external dragon asked. Jon gleamed his eyes.

"Give me all the wishes and miniaturize yourself and become my personal pet!"

"Yes, my lord," Shenlong said.

"Awesome," said Jon. "Now, take me and Sakura to Dragon Ball Land!"

"Your wish shall be granted," beckled the dragon, then there was a giant flash of light that tickles really good and Jon's eyes stopped seeing anything but white but then he could see a world that was drawn very differently than his own.

"Finally," Jon said.

"Jon-kun? What is this? I feel weird..." Sakura said.

Anyways, Jon-kun did some research and found out where Bulma lived. It wasn't very hard cause she was the richest person in that world.

"Hi, Bulma," Jon said after ringing the doorbell and she came to it.

"Uh, do I know you?" she asked stupidly.

"Oh course not," he replied. Before Bulma could say anything else Jon asked quickly, "Is Vegeta around?"

"Uh, he's training. But uh, wait, who are you?"

"I'm Jon. Uchiha Jon. The last of the Uchiha. And Vegeta's...son!" Jon said dramatically.

"W-what?! But you're only like twelve or something!" Bulma said nonchalantly.

"Yeah, so?" Jon asked smartly.

"So?! That bastard cheated on me?!" Bulma screamed. Sakura gasped then began to console Bulma by being a girl.

"Well, you two weren't like really together for a long time, right?"

"I-I guess that's true," Bulma said, realizing her Stupid.

"Anyhow, that's not how it is, though. It's more complicated."

"Why didn't you just say that?!" screeched Bulma like a buzz saw that needs oiling and has been near your head for a long time as you were threatened by it by someone but they had not actually went through with their threats for so long that it was now just really annoying.

"Chill out, lady," Jon said.

"Chill out?! No, I think you're going to explain to me what is so complicated about it!" Bulma bansheed.

"I think it'd be better if Vegeta was here, first. It's pretty complicated and I don't feel like explain it again," Jon wised.

"Fine, whatever," Bulma sassed, bitchily, but she was still kinda milfy, so Jon let it slide. "Just wait here while I...get Vegeta!"


	13. Uchiha Jon: Hair to the Saiyan Thrown

"What?! You can't be my son, you weak little," Vegeta started, but then he became self-aware and realized the irony he was producing in calling someone little. "Stupid human!"

Bulma tsked. For some reason after getting Vegeta she went and changed into skimpy clothes, so her tit physics went into affect as she did so, and it was awesome, so Jon and Sakura stared. Somehow, that didn't make it over Vegeta's head. Perhaps it was the hair.

"The bloody f-ck!" he shot his rolled shoulders at Jon, and Sakura, though he thought that was kinda kinky, so whatever, he only rolled them half as hard at her.

"But it's true, father. And like, technically Uchiha are from space, too..." Jon the Uchiha replied, informing everyone who wasn't him. Sakura gasped!

"The hell is a stupid Uchiha?!" raged the tiny prince man, baggetting himself with fire in the face. He had his hands into fists at his side as if he was about to scream out constipation.

"The Uchiha is one of the strongest and oldest clans of Konoha," Sakura wised. "They are known for their sharp features, dark hair, and the ability to use the sharingan."

"Again, THE HELL IS A SHARINGAN?! I ask, per say?" the tiny man continued to beget himself, forgetting about his high blood pleasure. "Uchiha, sharingans, lesbians, what is going on?"

"I'm not lesbian!" Sakura corrected. "I'm whatever Jon wants me to be!"

Vegeta looked a little surprised, then he whispered to Jon, "Good job. Now I kinda hope you _are_ my son."

"Thanks, dad," Jon said, and high fived Vegeta. The two tossed beer together. Jon didn't care that he was underage, cause he had always wanted to beer it up with his father.

"So, as I was saying, I'm your son. You can do a DNA test if you want," Jon said, and they did.

"Bloody cheerios in a woman's vagina! It's true! You are my son," happied Vegeta. They hugged.

"W-what's going on?" asked Kid Trunks. He looked like he was about to cry, cause the only time his dad had hugged him was right before he karated him then blew himself up, as if just touching the little rascal was enough to determine his mind to suicide. Trunks never did get over that, so he grew up into a goth, but that's a story for a different day.

"Jon was just proving to us that he's Vegeta's son," Bulma told her little chode.

"Not only that, but if you do a DNA test you'll find out that Trunks isn't even Vegeta's son!" Jon informed, with cheeky abandon.

"Hah! I knew it!" Vegeta happied in his gravelly voice, like a bear who had just sexed while eating the best fish. His eyes were lit with such glee that Trunks wanted to kill himself.

"Vegeta!" Bulmba shot glare at him. "Now I have to call bullocks on this all, you chipper little wank!"

"It's true," Jon insisted, and they did the DNA test and it was!

Trunks ran to shed and put white paint all over his face. He left a tiny fatherless person, and returned a goth. His face was all bloody. In his hand was a dead squirrel. He lifted up over his mouth and dropped blood into it, cause he was actually a vegan vampire! Suddenly, a bunch of teenage girls ran up to him.

"HAWAII!" they shouted, pinching his cheeks. Trunks killed them all with laser beams, then drank their blood, but it was okay. He was still technically a vegan, he just didn't want to be wasteful cause he knew there was starving vampires in Ethiopia.

Anyhow, Jon was all like, "so, because Bulma built a time machine, it like turned her womb into a portal, and that's how I was born."

"So...I sexed your mom through Bulma? That is so awesome!" shouted Vegeta, high fiving his one true son.

"So, Trunks is still my son, right?" Bulma asked.

"No, actually, a woman's womb is a weird thing. What happened was we got switched at birth. While you were resting, the doctor threw my back through the portal and I landed in Naruto land, the other half of my origins. He then gave you Trunks instead, because the laws of equivalent exchange made him out of pipe cleaners and Cheetos," Jon smarted modestly.

 _(AN: I am not sponsored by Cheetos, but how about it? ;) Lol, wouldn't that just be so cool?)_

"Son, why don't we go fishing? Or-or I could take you to soccer practice!" Vegeta happied.

Trunks was crazy and punched table.

"Sorry, dad, I'd love to, but I actually have some important stuff to do. Father, I need you to teach me how to...BE A SUPER SAIYAN!"

"Well, you came to the right place," smiled Vegeta.


	14. Super Saiyan Uchiha Jon

So, Uchiha Jon learned how to go Super Saiyan, then he returned to Naruto land and killed all the bad guys. It was super easy cause Jon was awesome and an Uchiha and a Super Saiyan, so you'd have to be stupid to say he couldn't do whatever he wanted. He was so awesome he didn't even have to learn Super Saiyan God. He returned and sparred with his dad a lot, but really he wanted to spar with Goku, the true dude he looked up to, cause Goku always won and was better, but he never told his dad that cause he knew he had the puny ego.

Jon was recognized as the best hero ever, and they destroyed Mount Hokage and replaced it with a giant rock statue of Jon. Five of them, in fact, cause he was five times better than all the others put together.

Jon and Hinata and Sakura and Sasuke continued to have extreme make out sessions, until they got old enough to have sex. Then they had a lot of poligimus origies, and it was good. Jon was really good at the sex, and he learned how to chidori his pubic hair, so the girls (and Dude Sasuke) would get off every time, like one million times a second. It was so good sometimes that they'd explode from organism and Jon would revive them with his balls.

Years later...In Naruto Land!

"Jon, I'm pregnant," Sasuke said. It was like a soup opera feel. Jon thought he was gunna be put on the Jerry Springer cause his other girlfriends never got pregnant. It was from that one time he forgot to chidori his men, wasn't it? "This is too weird, my dude, I need to get an abortion." Sasuke was looking super serious, and Jon did not know what to do, so he did all he could do.

"No! You can't!" Jon shouted. flailing his arms like a man mad.

"My body, bro," said Sasuke. "My choice."

"But it's my child too!" Jon said super upset, so emotional he almost cried, but he didn't cause he was too badass a dude and tears only fueled his hatred for his own weakness, so he kept it all inside like a true dude bro.

"It's not a child, stupid, the Biology says so." Sasuke said flatly.

"No! That was the Supreme Court after a ton of pressure!"

"Whatever, I'm doing it."

"Nooooooooooooooo!" shouted Jon. He wanted to tell so badly the truth, but the time lords would kill him and all he loved. So he had to punch Sasuke out.

But eventually, Sasuke did got an abortion by turning back into Dude Sasuke, and Jon faded from existence.

The End.

...?

Maybe. But you can clearly see that there is more words below this, so call this fall pretenses, or something.

Oh, but what happened to Itachi? He got gay with his sister brother, and that was a whole thing. Jon eventually got over it, but that's a story that doesn't matter, because now Jon didn't exist and the Naruto world started back before Jon came into Naruto's class and then the series started as it normally did, only this time everyone felt like they were forgetting something, except this time was the real time, so they felt like they were forgetting something even the mangas!

But what everyone didn't know was that Vegeta, back in Dragon Ball land, still remembered his only son, and he wanted revenge when he found out! So he used the Dragon Balls Jon had given him and wished to go to Naruto land to destroy everything, but when he entered there it caused a time paradox that made Jon's ghost talk to Vegeta and he asked him not to do it, so Vegeta didn't, and instead he just wished Jon to life and Jon lived in Dragon Ball land for all his life, but that doesn't really make sense cause he didn't exist in Naruto land, so Vegeta first had to go back to Dragon Ball land THEN make the wish, but because Shenlong is a picky prick Vegeta first had to wish that Jon's abortion happened in Dragon Ball Land before he could wish for him back to life, but that was also a problem because no one knew he was aborted cause the time paradox made the world get all different and no one really remembered, but there was Mount Hokage. Everyone assumed it was the remnants of ancientness, but really it was magic! Jon had wished on the Dragon Balls that the mount would exist outside of time, therefore making his statues Gods! So Vegeta used the Dragon Balls to summon himself to that dude in the middle of the universe and he got the answers from that dude, and that is how Vegeta revived his son!

But Jon could never forget the people he met and used in Naruto land. It would bring a tear to his eye, which he quickly killed before it made him gay.


End file.
